Realizations of my heart break

We have all gone, are going or will go through one…

You can be 15 and have already experienced it, you could be 30 and haven’t got your heart broken yet. Or you could be like me, a 23 year old who just had her first heart break…I say ¨just¨but truth is, its been a year of having my heart broken and to be completely honest Im still not a 100% over it still, I mean can you ever be?

I have learned how to deal with it though, and how to live without him, I don’t miss him every second of every day and I don’t cry anymore so…I guess Im making progress.

I remember telling my friends how missing him was like waves, one day I was fine the next… I was drowning.

I cannot even begin to explain how much it hurt, ( sometimes it still does) It was an excruciating pain that made me want to die, It got better, or I got stronger. Whatever. But it sucks and I used to see no end to it.

My friends use to tell me I would get over it, that one day I would laugh about it, its been a year and I still don’t find it funny. I mean how can you? How can you move on when you loved someone SO much, when you don’t want to live life without that person and when the idea of not having that person in your future sounds as horrible as walking naked on the street.

At 23 my world fell apart, I was so heart broken I kept waking up and calling my best friend at 3:00 in the morning crying because I didn’t know what to do. I just didn’t know how it went, I had never been in love and the first time I did I thought it was going to last…it didn’t.

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I have learned how to deal with it now, and today, almost a year after I got my heart broken I can say Im doing better, and Im ready to move on and meet new people ( HOT BOYS).

See, I used to have this ¨Ill-move-on-by-finding-him-in-other-people¨mentality but the truth is, I don’t want to anymore. Why would I want someone who reminds me of the person who broke my heart and didn’t even bother to look back?

Why would I want someone who gives up on love SO easy? I deserve better, we all do.

To be completely honest I guess it was my pure insecurity and I kept blaming me, because ¨if I was good enough he wouldn’t have left and if I was pretty enough he would have stayed¨never for one second did I think ¨if he was good enough he would have stayed¨

Why the FUCK do we take the blame when a relationship ends or when a boy doesn’t text back? Why do we always-fucking-wonder if we slept with him too quick or not soon enough and thats why he left?

We need to learn to love ourselves and it sounds SO cliche but cliches exist for a reason, you cannot look for a relationship thinking so little about yourself or for validation (like i did ) because if for one thing or the other it doesn’t work, you’ll end up feeling like me…shitty and heartbroken, you’ll also be trying to seek validation by posting too much shit on Instagram like selfies every day waiting for likes to prove you’re pretty enough or for him to see what he was missing, to try and convince him you’re pretty so maybe he will come back…

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I don’t know why was I was always so obsessed about having someone, I guess it was just to prove myself that I was worthy and that I was good enough, good enough for him to choose ME over everyone else, but as time passed I have come to the conclusion that someone liking you doesn’t make you good enough and someone not liking you doest make you worthless, when you love yourself you won’t give a fuck if you’re good enough for someone else, because knowing that you’re good enough for yourself its enough.
I guess heartbreaks come with good things too, you learn to be alone, and you learn to move on because want it or not,well, you have no other fucking choice.

It gives you time to learn about you, and its the best time for improvement, it makes you go out because being distracted numbs the pain ( even if its just for a little).

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I went out like crazy after we stopped seeing each other, I just needed to be distracted, the first couple of months were the hardest, I even cried in Vegas while making out with a guy at the club because I missed the guy who broke my heart too much, club guy was the first guy I kissed trying to move on and to be honest, I didn’t feel like kissing anyone else because I was still in love, and when I did I used to think about him and how jealous he would be, I never did it out of fun… for a very long time.

Still, I ended up making some of the best memories, what I did to try to feel better ended up in…yea okay nausea and regret but also the best stories with me and my girlfriends and I somehow rediscover this new world of fun I was missing out on, I met so many new people and I couldn’t imagine life without them now.

Funny thing ha? You lose someone and then you meet a 10000 more people you and somehow make new friends and begin this new life… So yea I lost him, but Im gaining SO much more.

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